One Wednesday

I’ve never sat on the hood of a car at the beach and tried to finish an ice cream cone before it melted. I’ve never shimmied out of every last stitch of clothing and gone for a midnight swim. I’ve never stood stark naked in a doorway and allowed somebody’s gaze to heat my skin.

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I’ve never had nachos for dinner. I’ve never been drunk (not even the slightest bit tipsy). I’ve never called anybody questionably late at night. I’ve never said anything that made me wince in the morning.

Safe. You are so safe.

I am safe; I like to feel safe. I don’t actually feel safe, though. How I feel is very specific. LOST AT SEA.

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That’s an exaggeration, sorry. How I really feel is not better. Not sick but not better, either.

I don’t look sick anymore. I don’t look like a girl who continues to waste perfectly good wishes on a flat stomach and a longer torso. Straighter legs and narrower hips. Stability. Security. Someone to love me.

Ask me how I feel and I’d tell you. I feel like someone who has spent 9+ months schlepping herself to appointments with people with kind eyes and no-nonsense charts and truly impressive stashes of Kleenex. I feel like a girl who did the work and gained the weight and progressed and progressed and progressed and then got stuck.

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It feels unfair to be stuck here, and for so long. It would be childish to stomp my feet, but I want to. I’ve worked so hard to be free of all of this, and it just isn’t over. I wonder if it will ever truly be over.

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Whenever it starts to feel highly unlikely that something is going to come along and help me get un-stuck, I do the sensible thing. I call my mom.

She’s one of those people you can cry to, and I do. I cry until my sleeves are soaked and my eyes are drained dry, and until she has promised, for the umpteenth time, that it won’t always be this way. I won’t always feel this way.

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There will come a time, I hope, where I won’t need to hear that five times a day. This is only temporary. Temporary! So temporary. Repeat after me.

{Bubbles via @bythebrush, sunset sea via @sarahsimkins, Cannon Beach via @aspensummit, all on Instagram.}

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“Your body is the piece of the universe you’ve been given, the place where love and joy and grief happen, where happiness unfolds. Do you really want to keep believing that it’s a horrible, ugly, lumpy thing? Do you really want to keep punching yourself like that?” -Geneen Roth

“My eyes are filling fast with tears and I blink and blink but the world is a mess and I want to laugh because all I can think is how horrible and beautiful it is, that our eyes blur the truth when we can’t bear to see it.” -Tahereh Mafi

“Some things you can fix, and some things you can’t. And I just think it is a shame to walk away from the things you can.” -Dana Reinhardt

“I’m a writer because, at an early age, I became convinced it was the one thing I could do to earn people’s respect. It’s true in the process I learned to love words and ideas and these days I actually like to get lost in the writing process. But the early fuel, the early motivation, was all about becoming a person worth loving.” -Donald Miller

“I began to wonder what life would be like if I dropped the act and began to trust that being myself would be enough to get the love I needed.” -Donald Miller

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