Six Months to a Year from Now

I want to be done. I don’t need a torch touched to my shoulder, but I just want to be done. I want to be all the way recovered.

Now. “Now” is the unspoken word.

I keep thinking that I’m so close, I must be getting close. There must not be too much further to go now.

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And then someone on the sidelines will toss a more realistic timeframe into the air — somewhere along the lines of six months to a year from now — and it’ll positively ping pong around the room, until it’ll be absolutely all I can do not to squeeze my eyes shut and curl up into a little ball. Rock back and forth, with my chin pressed between both knees.

It is so hard to be patient. It is so hard to not know. I just want to know — don’t you?

There are never any guarantees, of course — for any of us. I can make that argument too. None of us knows where we will be in six months. None of us knows what we’ll be doing, where we’ll be living, how we’ll be feeling, or what we’ll be wishing.

I can see how some people might find that kind of a blank slate enormously appealing. Reassuring, even. But I can’t help but wonder if they feel fear and dread and anxiety FRONT ROW CENTER, the way I do. I can’t help but wonder if they ever have to wrestle with those emotions first, or if it’s just all happy, all the time.

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What I need is a way of nudging the thumbs-down feelings off to side. So the thumbs-up feelings, like hope and joy and oh, I don’t know, PATIENCE, can take center stage.

It’s funny — three or four months ago, I would have said the hardest part about getting better would be eating more. Knowing I would gain weight. Watching myself gain weight.

But that hasn’t turned out to be the case. I mean it hasn’t been a picnic, by any means, but I’ve been able to adjust. I sort of know what to expect, now. My hunger cues have been all confused and they’re just starting to straighten themselves out. I don’t panic when I feel very hungry one day and then significantly less so the next, even with an identical amount of food.

And I’m prepared: about once a week I have a really awful day. It’s usually the day I take off from exercising. I get weepy and lonely and depressed and feel very much like IT’S NEVER GOING TO END. And then it ends, and I have several good days. Days in which I tell myself, let your thighs touch; let your body do its thing. It is magnificent. YOU are magnificent. I’m proud of you, and I love you. 

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I’m going to be okay. So okay — even better than okay. Every day I feel a little bit more convinced; every day I feel a little bit more like myself.

And even when I waver and think about Year 23 as the year all of my plans disintegrated in the palms of my hands, I look forward to 24. I do — I really do. Because who knows? Who knows what’s in store.

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“You will learn that sometimes human beings have to just sit in one place and, like, HURT. That you will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do. You will learn that there is such a thing as raw, unalloyed, agenda-less kindness. And that it is possible to fall asleep during an anxiety attack.” -David Foster Wallace

{Cabin with WATER VIEW via @leiferiksmith on Instagram.}

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7 thoughts on “Six Months to a Year from Now

  1. Hi Hannah,

    Thank you for writing your thoughts about your weight and eating. I experience these thoughts also. You are very positive and encouraging.

    Faye

    • Hi Faye, I’m glad you think so! I feel that way more and more. I hope you have somebody to tell you all of the things I listed up there: you’re beautiful, you’re brave, you’re doing the right thing, you’re doing a good job. Sending you nothing but the best!

      • Keep writing 🙂 And if anyone hasn’t told you lately (aside from yourself which is more important) You are beautiful, you’re strong, you’re courageous, you’re an inspiration.

  2. An attention-grabbing discussion is price comment. I feel that you should write extra on this subject, it won’t
    be a taboo subject however generally individuals are not sufficient to talk on such topics.
    To the next. Cheers

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