Maybe Maine

Let’s try something new: let’s try considering what is. Versus what was, what will be. What might be.

This is a tall order, I hope you know.

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What would you say if I said that I’m going to need all of your soothing CDs? Two cups of your peppermint tea, and every ounce of peace you left at yoga this morning.

I wish I were more like you. I wish I were more comfortable in limbo. I wish I thought it was a nice space.

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I wish I knew just how to make myself at home.

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I wish I knew how to cope. Better — I wish I knew how to cope better. I wish I knew how to relax. I wish it were my normal state. I wish I could get there more easily.

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For heaven’s sake, I wish I didn’t get stomachaches playing Scrabble.

But I am getting better. Every single day, I am getting better.

I’m starting to leaf through cookbooks again. I’m reaching for clothes I love. I’m sleeping more soundly. I’m waking up and putting on pants that zip. And bras that clasp — a different one, every day!

I’m calling family, I’m writing to friends, I’m getting outside, I’m smiling at strangers. Strangers with radishes!

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I am less deer-in-headlights, more the girl I used to be. More the girl I want to be.

Did I mention how hard it is not to fast-forward to the future?

Today it is Wednesday and it is Torrential Rain. It is also Oregon — this is hardly breaking news. But now it’s three months later, in Oregon. It’s fall.

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All of a sudden it’s dark until 7:30am, and just a tiny bit too cold for bare feet.

But the future doesn’t feel quite so bleak. And for the first time since I moved out here, it feels a little bit less like I should be bracing myself for six straight months of gray.

For the first time, the future — the great, big, scary unknown — holds the glow of one warm thought. It holds a maybe, in Maine. A maybe, I-so-hope-so!

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“At some point, there needs to be some sort of expiration date for how long you want to limit yourself. At some point, you need to be willing to back burner your fears and your perceived inadequacies about yourself. Just do your best to love people well and go after the things that steal your breath. Believe you’re worth going after what you want.” -Hannah Brencher

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