What Trust Looks Like

Favorite way to spend the day alone. Ready, set, go.

Tell me — do you wear pants? I’ve just got to wear pants. What if somebody forgets something. What if the cute mover man comes back, for the water bottle he left? What if the neighbor next door drops by, with another dozen eggs? What if the mailman decides to stretch his legs, right on down the drive? This would not do. (None of this would do.) I must have my pants.

But you…after you do or do not deign to don pants, what would you do? Would you raid the fridge? The fridge would definitely be my first stop. Or, better yet: the freezer. No shame.

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I can’t help but wonder if you dread these days, or if they make you giddy with glee. Alone at last! I want you to tell me what you’re like when you’re alone. When you’re not the slightest bit self-conscious, when you don’t have to compromise, when you have no concrete plans.

I have some other questions for you too. While we’re here. When was the last time you took a bath? Did someone to run it for you? Did they remember the special soap under the sink? Did they fill the tub up to the tippy top? And did they remember to stick some fancy chocolates up by your head? I hope they did. I’m beginning to think adults might need baths more than children do.

What do you look like when you’re lost in thought? Does someone think you’re beautiful, when you look that way?

What’s something you’re very good at? And what’s something you’re not so good at. Me — I’m not very good at drawing hearts. Or letting scabs heal. Or swallowing my pride. I’m also exceptionally bad at kneading dough, sporting low-cut shirts, and making mixed bouquets.

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What do you think about bad vibes? I think I currently have all the time in the world, but I have absolutely zero time for those.

What’s something you wish you could change? Something doable, definitely, and then how about something not so doable, too.

How do you act in a fight? Do you go off in a huff? Do you walk the night? Personally, I go silent and then go to sleep. Go away, and then good morning!

Let’s look at the way the sun wakes up, winking through the tops of the trees. Let’s look at the way dawn throws its light across a pond, turning it pink. Pretty, pretty, pink.

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Would you say you’re ever just the teeniest tiniest bit passive aggressive? (C’mon, cop to it. It’s only me.)

There are two ways into the water. Do you believe that? I wonder if you’d make a splash.

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What’s something that changed your life? What’s something you wish you knew?

How many cups of coffee can you safely drink, before things start to get a little shaky?

Do you read? Please tell me you read. What do you read. I read some things I’d be happy to recommend and some other things I’d just like to read without you asking me what I’m reading.

Tell me about something that makes you jump-up-and-down excited. Tell me about something that you’re going to miss.

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Tell me about someone you miss. Do they know? How come you haven’t told them.

When was the last time you did something hard? When was the last time you cried. I cry when people are nice.

“If you look at the fact that you have a roof over your head, food to eat, that you are young and beautiful and live in a peaceful land, then no, you have nothing to be sad about. But the fact is, we are not only a physical body, we have souls too, and sometimes our souls get sick. If you break a leg you don’t just say ‘I have no reason to have a broken leg’ and ignore it; you seek help. It’s the same when your soul gets hurt. Don’t apologize for being sad.” -My doctor, when I told her I had no reason to be sad

Name one part of your body that you absolutely love. It can be a muscle, a curve, a tattoo, a piercing — whatever. It cannot be a bone.

Tell me about a cycle you can’t break. Or a cycle you’ve lost.

What do you do with mushrooms? I have these (orange!) mushrooms, and I have no idea what to do with them. Maybe sauté them in butter? That’d be a good start, I think.

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Have you ever thrown yourself a dinner party? Napkins not included. I like to do this, but I haven’t done it in awhile. I’d like to do it tonight, but it would be so much more fun if you were there.

If I had a summer crostini party, would you come? (It wouldn’t look like that, exactly, because this is not Pinterest and what the heck would we do with the other six slices of peach and the remaining quarter of quail egg and the handful of radishes we do have? But it would be good and fun and I think we should do it.)

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When was the last time you read something that made you just want to write back, immediately?

“Are you quiet when you need to be loved? Or do you raise your voice into a lion’s roar? Will you nudge yourself into my hips? Will you bite my shoulders and say ‘I need you to love me harder today’? Are you softer in the mornings? Which side of the bed do you like to take? Do you sprawl yourself out and steal the covers? Do you sleep naked? Do you take your coffee black? In the summer, do you flip the pillow and sigh when your cheek touches the cold side? Do you keep the windows open at night? If so, how? Aren’t you scared of monsters? Do you know that I’m scared of everything that lives in the dark? Are you aware that sometimes I get so nervous I forget how to move my feet? Can you be patient? Can you be gentle? Do you know how? Is there a quiet war raging inside of you? When you curl your fists and raise your chin, are you donning your armor? Can I help? Can I fight all of your demons with you? I won’t shy away from them, not if it would make you happy. Do you know that I’d stand in the dark in an empty room for you? Do you know that I trust you’d never ask that of me? Do you know that I don’t flinch when you cup my face? Even though if you so much as twitched too hard you could break me? Isn’t this what trust looks like? Isn’t it how I am always skin and emotions for you? Isn’t it saying ‘I love you more today than I did yesterday, but it was a whole lot yesterday’? Listen, do you feel safest when you’re holding yourself together? Do you think someday you can let that go? Will you let me take the pieces of you and keep them close? Can you let me love you? Will you learn how to? It doesn’t matter, I’ll wait.” -Azra.T “34 Questions”

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4 thoughts on “What Trust Looks Like

  1. I enjoyed this post and would love to answer all your questions, but some require some contemplation and others I wouldn’t be able to stop blabbering on about and I really need to get to my studio. I’m alone right now and it is lovely and quiet and I can finish my breakfast on the deck in my nightie. When I get to the studio I won’t be alone so I’m preparing myself mentally to share the space and get some work done. Have a good week-end!

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