All or Nothing

Writing a book is like trying to drink through a fire hose. That is the only way I can describe it. What an asinine idea.

That said, it would be okay, I think, if I were just trying to work with one nozzle. One nozzle that was either on or off, day depending. I could manage that. But there is not just one spout. There are hundreds of them. And my spouts are stubborn. They’re either all off (and nope, not planning on turning on, today), or all absolutely blasting.

Sometimes I feel like the very best thing to do is to ditch all of my tools, dive out of the way, and walk briskly in the opposite direction.

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So, hi! Here we are. It’s nice and quiet, over here.

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I guess it should come as no surprise. That I feel like I have too much content, I mean. I feel that way on a daily basis. Without benches by the water, free yoga classes, and wonderful (if virtual) friends, I don’t know where I’d be. Probably in the corner of a coffee shop somewhere, worrying about everything ever, and nursing a monster headache, actually.

Add a mess of snail mail to that picture, too. That’d be more accurate.

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I like to write longhand. It feels more intentional, somehow. Don’t you think?

I picked out this [SEVEN-DOLLAR] card because it reminded me of you and I couldn’t resist. I’m using a BIC pen because that’s what I found in my glove compartment, and I don’t think we should be particular about pens. I thought I’d wait and be a snob about lunch, instead. What’s your favorite thing to have for lunch? I feel very much like I want to make you that thing, and box it up and bring it to you. Maybe with a giant chocolate chip cookie? Those are always in season. Always and always, if you ask me.

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I’ve tried scribbling down a chapter while sitting somewhere pretty, but it never seems to work. I just end up glancing at my phone every ten seconds (did anyone like my Instagram? Welp. I am a failure of a human being.) or doodling stick figure sad attempts. Or people watching. Or running over the same questions I did not have the answers to yesterday, do not have the answers to today, and will not have answers to tomorrow, either.

1. Why is everyone getting engaged, all of a sudden? Why are we signing leases and buying puppies and getting rid of cars with no backseats? Can we just slow it down, for a second? I’d be really happy with a damn coffee date. And it’d be extra exciting if I didn’t have to meet him on the Internet, first.

2. Am I really moving across the country in two weeks? (Real-but-not-real.) Is this an idea that got tossed around at the dinner table one night and ended up going terribly, terribly too far? (If your answer is not an emphatic no, this is where I need you to white lie. You can tell me the shirt I just picked up is too J.Crew Mom, but you cannot tell me I have just sunk my life savings into yet another poor choice. You cannot. Please.)

3. What am I going to do with my life. No, like, really. When am I going to figure it out.

4. Was I ever really in love, or was I just kidding myself? Was I in love, or was I just scared to be alone? Or was that it — and did I screw it up forever?

5. Should I start seeing a therapist? Are we all doing that now? I feel like that’s what we’re doing.

6. When did I get so old? I miss being twenty-two. “22 is basically the only age you can use as leverage. Meaning that because it’s the exact age between life-as-you-know-it and what will later be known as ‘real life’ (that’s scientifically proven, of course), people expect you to make some mistakes. Mistakes like overcooking a pot roast or dating someone who may not be right for you. And that’s okay, because heck, you’re just 22.” -Shanelle Kaul

7. Why are bikinis so popular? Bikinis are the worst. Why can’t we all just be on the same page.

8. Why do quotes always make me feel so much better? Am I the only one peppering my walls with scraps of paper, in the hopes that something will make a little more sense, soon?

“Positive, healthy, loving relationships in your twenties…I don’t know if anyone would disagree with it: I think they’re the exception, not the norm. People are either playing house really aggressively because they’re scared of what an uncertain time it is, or they’re avoiding commitment altogether.” -Lena Dunham

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