Too Long and Too Loud

I’m back to keeping track of the days. Today is Wednesday, which means that Friday is just a few meals away. I have lots of ideas, about those meals in the meantime. Tonight I’m considering making something bright and pretty to cheer myself up. It’s sort of the equivalent of buying myself flowers.

Can I tell you something else? (It doesn’t have to do with how grateful I am that you’re always interested in my dinner plans.) I’m beginning to think that we’re not meant to spend 90% of our days/nights alone, and in the same room. The one we should never, ever think about in terms of dollars and square feet.

Honestly…it’s enough to drive a girl to drink.

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I don’t drink, but the thought of having somewhere to go is so appealing that I’m almost ready to put on a top I haven’t worn since college and head down to the corner bar. They have nuts, there. I could have those.

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I’m just starving for a change of scenery. For a big bear hug from somebody who loves me. For a homemade meal to share — from across a table that’s too long and too loud. All of a sudden it feels like it’s been forever. And I feel like all of those things are so far out of reach. Along with a house with a yard, and a family of my own, and a job that pays enough for me not to have to worry full-time, too.

Maybe I made a mistake, by sinking my life savings into this room. The one that’s trying really hard to be an apartment. Don’t get me wrong: I wouldn’t give up the experiences I’ve had in NYC — not even for a minute — but I am beginning to question how intelligently I’ve gone about things.

To be honest, I’m beginning to doubt almost all of the decisions I’ve made. Especially in the last few weeks.

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Tacking the word office onto kitchen/bedroom/living room/dining room/bathroom was probably not my best idea, for instance. But I’m a hermit at heart, and I really did think it would all work out okay. I told myself it would only be temporary, and I’d make sure to get out every day. And it would be fine. And besides, people wear me out. 

But it’s not enough to wake up in the morning and go for a run, anymore. Not even when the city is beautiful, and part of me wants to nudge all of the people hurrying, with their heads down and their earphones in. Look!

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And it’s not enough, to make plans with a friend after work one day. Or trade emails and texts back and forth, with friends in different cities. It’s not even enough to snail mail. With the best of them.

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And although I do absolutely love those letters, it’s just not enough. I’m going to have to figure something else out.

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