Two Weeks Notice

Right now I want a word that describes the feeling that you get when you’re 100% certain but 75% uneasy. When you feel slightly sick, but very relieved, and also completely panicked. This word would be a tiny thrill, racing up and down, followed closely by a wallop of reality. This word would be accompanied by a lot of not-quite-firm chocolate. (No patience, with this word.)

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I want a word that says I’m so proud of you and wait what were you thinking and couldn’t you have hung on a little longer and no, this is absolutely, positively right. I want a word that says the ones you don’t even want to whisper: what if it’s not.

Twenty-two seems to be the year that I turned into this brand new person that I damn sure never expected to meet. She wonders if that top comes in black, if it’ll be faster to walk, and if it’s time for a raise. She wonders if she has been too quick to put herself down; if you’d like to read what she wrote. She wonders if you’d like to go to brunch, and if you wouldn’t mind passing the butter.

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You gave me a chance when I didn’t know which way was up and which way was down. (Literally. I took the wrong train so many times it was silly.) You gave me a start when I was shaking in my shoes. (They sure felt spiky enough to me.) You invited me in and took me to lunch and cleared a permanent spot for me at your table.

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You had me try a little of everything, but you ended up letting me make all of my own decisions. You were good like that.

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You gave me opportunity on a copper platter. Responsibility, too. (Most of the time, it was less heavy to hold than I thought it would be.)

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You let me design and create and reevaluate and rearrange. You taught me that things only look ‘just so’ in photographs.

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You had me dip my spoon in this, this, this, and that. And more TK! (You probably didn’t know that I once had to Google ‘TK.’)

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You gave me more ‘firsts’ than you know. And for that, I will always be grateful.

I will remember in beautiful blue Ball jars, in loaves of Challah, in the click-clacks of keystrokes, in the red-orange-yellow of Gmail labels. I will remember in the smallest, loveliest spaces.

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I will remember how nice it was to be surrounded by bright, young, creative people. And so much pie. (Always, pie!) And towards the end: bagels. (All the bagels!)

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But mostly, I will remember how I discovered that I’m a person with room for more, too. Thank you for helping me see. 

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