What Now

Everyone says that nights are the hardest. But sometimes it’s 10am on a Sunday morning, and you’re standing in your tallest socks waiting for your eggs to cook. There’s just the slightest slant of sunlight coming in, but it’s enough for you to see that you should probably dust. Soon.

While you’re busy spot cleaning with your feet, the smell of caramelizing onions and sizzling bacon hits. Today it doesn’t feel like an irresistible warmth come to settle on your shoulders, or a playful swat away with a spatula. Today, you’re just waiting for your toast to ding, and suddenly you miss him so much that you don’t know what to do with your hands.

So you come here. To the place where you can type and erase and type and erase. Where you can script episode after episode of My Life, Undecided.

There’s another place you can go to, too. There are pretty flowers waiting for you there. Open the door and you’ll see them in the foyer. Look closely; they’ll be waving a gentle hello.

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There are beautiful things here, inside and outside. There are Grandma’s spoons, polished and left just for you.

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There are Mom’s hugs and Dad’s equivalents, and late afternoon walks down familiar streets.

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There is a living room that could swallow your entire apartment whole. You think it looks a little empty without three boys sprawled out on the rug. Without a puppy racing around all the long limbs, in and out of the table legs.

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There is steak to be shared (always, steak).

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There are people to listen when you say you want to be a baker, no wait a personal trainer, actually maybe a photographer. Or a stylist? Ideally, secretly: a writer.

This is the space where you can laugh about the company-wide email you just sent out with a typo in it, where you can hold up your favorite pants and wail, why does our dryer shrink everything? Everyone will agree.

They will help quiet your busy thoughts here. They’ll let you wear yourself out, and then they’ll say let’s go lie down on the couch. They’ll remind you what it’s like to remember with a smile instead of a sob.

Most importantly, they will help you eat almond cake. And they’ll be kind. (It’s a new recipe.)

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